the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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