Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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