Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
