im drinking this country out of the recession.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
