She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
