I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
