i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
