oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
