I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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