Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
