this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
