and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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