This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
