The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
