I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
