I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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