but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
