Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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