he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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