I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
