my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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