today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
