U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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