no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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