i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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