Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
