so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
