Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
