you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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