Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
