Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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