We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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