shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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