I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You are a genius and a whore.
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