So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
