I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
