So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
