Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
