goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I forget how to act sober
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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