i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
