remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
one two three fourrrrnication!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
These tits shall not be calmed
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
