My room smells like vodka and shame
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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