There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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