You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
