I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
