i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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