i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
my poor anus
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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