You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How naked do you want me to be?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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