hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
