my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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