I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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