Old men and throwing up are my life now.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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