I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
