Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
