not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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