mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
