Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
