goodnight i made you a song goodbye
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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